Duo's Monologue
by Voice God
Summary: (Bad language, yaoi) Duo reflects on recent problems...


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Duo's Monologue  
  
Huh.  
  
Well, here I am, the great Duo Maxwell- God of Death, reduced to what? Drink. Cigarettes. Pride of the Scavengers Space Corp. Hahahaha. and why? Why, when I never touched them before?  
  
Well, what the fuck? We've all got to die sometime, besides, maybe there's a chance they might make me feel better, eh? After all if people can get addicted to them they must have something going for them.  
  
Well, you better hear it all. It's long. It's painful. Isn't it fucking always?  
  
Pull up a chair. I'll buy you a drink.  
  
Take a look at this.  
  
That's Heero. Dear Heero. Centre of my world.  
  
No, it's true.  
  
Worship the guy. That's it. Can't say it plainer than that.  
  
Boy did we have fun! Fuck yeah- we had fucking fun.  
  
Christ, all the talking, the kissing, looking into each other's eyes, the fucking, the walking, the sucking, the holding hands- it was all good. no. it was all fucking great.  
  
How do you explain when all of a sudden you're a nuisance?  
  
No worse. I became a low priority. Oscar Wilde said the only worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Yeah, I fucking read, ya know. It's not a crime.  
  
Well, I didn't help matters.  
  
Anyway, we got on great.  
  
Then I got called away for a mission- usual shit. Problem was, I didn't want to go. He didn't want me to go. It hurt. Hurt both of us.  
  
But, I left. I had to. Whether I wanted to or not, and God Almighty knows I didn't.  
  
Heero was hurt. Not because I left, but because I wasn't around him.  
  
It got worse. You know the Heero brain- if it hurts emotionally, turn it off or ignore it. Yeah. That's what happened. Bit by bit, little by little, while I was away.  
  
Oh we talked when we could.  
  
But it didn't help I was so fucked up in my head.  
  
Made a mess of myself, and what we had. Yeah, the Great Duo Maxwell, reduced to a mushy pile of shit. Kinda good nobody saw it, I guess.  
  
Shit. That's what happens when you start talking and stop dragging, it fucking goes out. there. Better.  
  
Well, Heero turned off.  
  
Oh it's not he didn't love me, it's not he doesn't love me now.  
  
He's just convinced himself if he gets close to me, it will just hurt. And more than that, I convinced him all that mushy shit is what it's about to be. together.  
  
It's not.  
  
Being together is what we had.  
  
What I fucked up.  
  
My fault. Helped by circumstance. Helped by Heero in a lot of ways. But still my fault.  
  
.well, I guess that makes it our fault.  
  
Well, we've had our crisis- we had it out. I went nuts, convinced he didn't love me. He went nuts. Injured from a mission, and just plain fucking tired, but did I care? Did I fuck.  
  
I should have done.  
  
I did afterwards.  
  
Not before I did the damage though.  
  
Get the notebook out, that's more shit I did. Gotta note it down, right? Otherwise I'll just do it again, eh?  
  
So, what do I do now? Order another vodka? Or carry on with this monologue? I'll split the difference, I'll truncate the monologue, but only have half the vodka. I feel like shit anyway.  
  
Well Heero's better now. He's better. That's something. One weight off my shoulders anyhow.  
  
Problem is, the damage has been done.  
  
By the time I figured out what I had to do- stop being a dumb fuck- I'd done too much damage. If only I'd figured it out at the start. still, that's what they say isn't it? You dunno whatcha got till it's gone.  
  
So here we are, Heero and I.  
  
We figured it out. We're friends again. In name anyway. I'm still a low priority. or in my head I am. Dunno why I feel like that, just do.  
  
In the end, I guess, this- the problem is, there's so much to repair. so much to fix. I wonder if I have the strength in my heart. in my soul.  
  
And then I think of the love flitting across those eyes.  
  
And I know the answer.  
  
But I've done everything I can right now. Every time I repeat my love, or my sincerity. well shit you can imagine that just makes it worse. and all those happy memories become pain. Because I wonder if they'll come back?  
  
Well, I'll be able to see him in a couple of months, come summer- and I'll do it all right this time. oh he'll go nuts for me when he sees me. yeah. kissing, cuddling, the whole nine yards.  
  
Cos he does love me.  
  
Just not the guy I turned into when I left.  
  
So, until then, I bite the bullet. I keep sweet, keep laughing, keep smiling. Keep repairing.  
  
Just keep on repairing.  
  
It hurts, and I'm tired. So very tired. But I can't give up. Cos shit like this comes once a lifetime right? I fucked up, so now I better start making up for it.  
  
I'm gonna end up like fucking Quatre at this rate hehehe.  
  
Then again. Quatre wouldn't be sitting. on his fourth cigarette in an hour and on his third vodka.  
  
Could have sworn I asked for a half. oh well.  
  
Gotta hope I can fix it. I can't lose him.  
  
But, just gotta bite the bullet.  
  
You can't fix problems like this through email. Or even by phone.  
  
.Only that kiss you've both been waiting for, deep down in your hearts, for months can begin to fix it.  
  
.Just gotta wait the three months out now.  
  
Shit it's gonna be hard.  
  
Until then, I'm the Great Duo Maxwell. Reduced to drink and cigarettes. Well fuck, it could be worse. at least I didn't catch a cold by standing out in the rain for two hours earlier.  
  
So, that's that. Get it all did you? Fucking good...  
  
You can buy me a drink and another pack of Super Kings then.  
  
The End. 


End file.
